Allyship - More Than Just Being a Friend
To be or not to be? Why is that even a question?
We know being an ally is important. We know that allyship has become a movement in and of itself as of late. But what does it mean to be an ally? And how can one be an ally without knowing what it means to be an ally? Now that it has become something that people look for in others, in the companies that they buy from, and in the employers that they work for, it has slowly become a defining characteristic that is increasing in value. But how does one evidence their commitment to allyship? How do we show it without having to say it?
When it comes to allyship, the actions of allyship will always eclipse the words because being able to step into those actions requires commitment, resilience, and the willingness to learn along the way.
So where do we start? To be successful in our allyship journeys we need to make a conscious decision to engage in the listening, learning and advocating that it calls for. This is more than saying “I support you” and it is more than being a friend or having friends that are members of minority groups. It is easy to agree and support a person or group in private. It is what one does in public that becomes the gamble.
I have had the chance to experience and engage with different types of allies in my life. I have seen the ally that says all the right things when it is just the two of us. They are supportive, empathic, and swear that if they were to witness a discriminatory moment, they would speak up. But when that moment comes, rather than carry on the way they said they would, they look to me or the other minority group members to speak on the matter as if they have lost their own words. I have experienced the allies that say they do not see me any differently from how they see themselves, but then, they choose to not accept that there is still much for them to learn and that they can still make mistakes with what they say or do. I have even endured the ally who on the surface presents as an ally, but then behind closed doors, their ignorance is on full display with what they say or feel are innocent jokes.
On the flip side of all of that, I have also had the extreme pleasure of having some truly incredible allies that have shown up, asked the right questions, sought knowledge on their own and have even taught me things that I did not know. Allyship, like racism, is a spectrum. Your placement on that spectrum comes down to two things. The level of your awareness and then the choices you make once you have that awareness.
Bear in mind, you still get to decide where you want to be on the spectrum and not everyone moves at the same pace on the journey because it is one of self reflection and personal development. For those that are ready to start with the person in the mirror, dig a little deeper and have more of an impact, I would prescribe the following steps to take on your journey to allyship.
Acknowledgement - Being able to acknowledge our missteps and the harm that your past actions may have caused others. We need to acknowledge these results, particularly when they do not match our intentions. Just because you didn’t mean to hurt a person with what you have said or done does not mean it doesn’t still hurt them. Words carry power and meaning and we need to remember that. This means stepping outside of ourselves and putting our ego on the shelf in order to be told and receive that we have said or done something offensive. Just because you think the joke is funny, just because you think the microaggressive statement is a compliment doesn’t make it so. We need to consider the potentially different ways a message may be received. This will feel uncomfortable because it will challenge your sense of self at times. On the other side of that momentary discomfort lies personal growth. So who will you choose to be in these moments? The person that chooses their own comfort over the fact that they have negatively impacted another person with their words or actions? The person that tries to gaslight the person that is calling out your offensive behavior by telling them they are overreacting or that they are “going through something” just because they chose to stand up for themselves? Or the person that seeks to listen and learn in order to not make the same mistakes going forward?
Validation - Before we can solve the problem we need to believe in the validity of its existence. This step carries two parts to it because it is the validation of the existence of systemic racism, discrimination and the harm it continues to do, and the validation of the lived experiences of members of minority groups. In order to change things, we need to be able to see the problem and the different forms it takes. We also need to be able to acknowledge the barriers that we will face in being able to create the change we want to see. Sometimes when minority group members share the stories of their lived experiences, they are not believed. Just because you may not have experienced something firsthand, do not understand it, have not witnessed it, or it sounds outlandish or unbelievable (trust and believe some of the things that happen to minority group members are just that shocking and surprising), does not make it untrue. Validating the lived experiences of members of minority groups is an integral step to making change. The problem of inequality, systemic racism and discrimination is layered by systems, people, and behaviors. Being aware of what we are up against will aid us in taking the steps needed to make a difference.
Seeking out information on your own - Members of marginalized groups are often thrust into the position of being teachers when they did not sign up for the job. Some may choose to put themselves in that position and some may not. They may choose it some days and not choose it on other days, and that is OK. That needs to be OK without judgment because it is not their responsibility to teach the world. Do not turn their decision to not answer your question and put up a boundary to protect themselves into a negative attribute. I choose to put myself in this position. I make that choice everyday and it is not always an easy one. You are able to obtain the information you are looking for if you truly desire it. The internet is 24/7, there are books, webinars and classes. Putting in the effort to educate yourself will naturally make members of marginalized groups more inclined to be open to having those conversations after observing your effort and desire for the knowledge.
Advocating - This can take many forms and culminates in speaking up when you witness discrimination or racism. When we say nothing in these moments we are allowing people to think that their discriminatory, ignorant, racist, or microaggressive behavior is OK. This contributes to people being socialized to believe certain things are OK when they are not. We cannot rely on the next person, or the member of a marginalized group to speak up. This is a responsibility that is meant to be shared by everyone. The more often we do this, the more people will be pushed to think about what they say before they say it. Advocating is also spreading the good word and helping others find their way on their own allyship journeys. It is supporting, learning, and sharing with others the knowledge you have obtained. It is standing up and speaking out, and it is doing all of this publicly.
Even with this roadmap some people will still seek to be Performative in their allyship which is when this work and these steps are seen as a box to check or something to say they are doing for the sake of perception and so that they do not look bad. It is when this work only happens when it’s convenient for people or when they are reminded of it. Conscious allyship involves being intentional and consistently practicing using your influence and privilege to support members of marginalized groups. It also involves doing both inner and outer work and taking a vested interest in your own personal development in order to be truly effective. The more exposure we have to these perceived uncomfortable conversations about race, discrimination, and systemic racism, the more opportunities we have to make the “uncomfortable”, comfortable. At the end of the day we all have the freedom to show up in our allyship journeys as we choose, so I ask you to at least be honest with yourself and those around you with where you are at and what your limitations are. One could say that allyship is like a new pair of shoes that you need to break in in order for them to fit just right. But let us not make allyship an outfit that we put on and take off. Let’s turn it into something we wear all the time so that we can continue to increase our awareness, and build our resilience and adaptability. Not only will this allow us to grow forward, it will give us the power we need to change the world.
Examples, Workplace, meaning, Important
